Humor – A Positive Outlook

Thanks to Joe M. for sending me this one. If you Google the below title, you’ll find numerous sites with the joke including some with John Kerry as the star. But regardless of the targets, it’s funny.

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it ‘Barack Obama’.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: ‘Do you really want to delete Barack Obama?’
6. Firmly Click ‘Yes.’
7. Feel better?

GOOD! – Tomorrow we’ll do Nancy Pelosi

Concern for Her Son

A mother wrote to the president of the college where her son was about to enroll.

Dear Sir,

My son will be attending your institution this Fall. I request that you take a personal interest in the selection of his roommate. It should be someone who does not use foul language or tell off color jokes. He should not smoke, drink, do drugs or chase girls. You see, I am concerned about the influence of college life since this will be his first time away from home except for three years in the Marine Corps."

Obama & the Flu

These have been flying around the internet but just in case you missed them:

It was once said that a black man would become president “when pigs fly”. Indeed, 100 days into Obama’s presidency… swine flu!

and…

Cartoon, truth?

Political Humor from the E-mail In Box

Sent to me by a friend:

A $50 Lesson

I recently asked my friends’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?”

She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.”

Her parents beamed.

“Wow…what a worthy goal.” I told her, “But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.”

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”

I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”

… Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.

You may be Taliban if…

I don’t know the original source of the following but it seems factual:

You may be Taliban if:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you
have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and
$5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t
afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand,
but consider bacon “unclean.”

5. You think vests come in two styles:
bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t
declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but
routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell
phones have uses other than setting off
roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think
every man should own at least one.

10. You’ve always had a crush on your
neighbor’s goat

Definition of Globalization

This explanation of globalization has probably been around the Net in various forms before but it is worth repeating. In these confusing times simple definitions can add clarity.

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana’s death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates’ technology, and you’re probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, shipped on a Greek freighter crewed by Philippians, hijacked by Somali pirates, sold to Sicilian Mafiosa, smuggled into Central American by Columbian drug lords and trucked to you by Mexican illegals…. That, my friends, is Globalization.

Humor – It Could Be Worse

As with much on the internet, I can’t always vouch for the truth or falsehood of material I get on e-mail or off the web but the following is funny, true or not:

Feeling unappreciated? World got you down?

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . .

In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am , regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? – No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What? STILL having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with ‘Return to Sender’ stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better?

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Definition of Liquidity

In these perilous economic times, one needs to be familar with financial terms. Todays lesson is the definition of liquidity.

LIQUIDITY

Definition: Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants!

California Humor

Got this from a Phd Californian:

158 Years ago this week.
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago?
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like it is today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn’t hold hands.

Two Video Humor

I categorized both of these videos under Humor. You may not see the first one as funny but I laughed when I saw it. It certainly wasn’t for the participants but years later it may. Wedding Disaster

The second one reviews the year 2008 about as well as could be done in song. Uncle Jay Explains: Year End! 12-22-08

Enjoy and Happy New Year.